Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
