Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize