i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize