i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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