I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
