i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
