i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
