Your face is a jimmy john
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
