Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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