He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
