I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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