just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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