Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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