So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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