i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
