Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
