And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
