i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
