i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
