Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
