Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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