Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
