I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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