Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Damn victory sex feels great
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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