I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
