Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
