i just sent this text using only my big toe
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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