I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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