dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I have feelings that need drinking.
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