I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize