She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
