dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
