She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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