my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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