Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
