Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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