did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
