i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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