Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
