I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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