i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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