and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
