I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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