i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize