I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
