To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
