.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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