I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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