Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
