theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
