the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
