omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
