i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
