Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
